I’ve found in the last year that my anxiety about the world has gone up. WAY UP. I have become less tolerant (my tolerance was low to start with) of the selfishness and ignorance around me. Dangerous drivers, people not holding doors, co -workers altering the truth, classless comments by men, thinly veiled racism. People tell me not to read the news and ask me why I would put myself through it. I feel compelled to watch. It’s not like watching a train wreck. It’s more like watching a person you love slowly die and knowing that you can’t control it. You can’t just walk away. You would never just ignore it for your own well being. The person I love in this instance is the idea I once had of the world. The faith I, despite my catchphrase of “I hate people”, had in humanity. I actually believed that people were basically good and that our basic need was to get along and feel we belong. I thought that although we still had a long way to go, we had come so far. In the last year I have learned I am wrong. I admire the “resistance” as they call themselves. Yet, my hope that the travesty that I am watching will correct itself gets weaker by the day. As my hope fades, my heart aches more and more and I like people less and less.
She stared at me contorting her face with disgust and said,
“I can’t believe you feel that way. GMOs will kill you. I avoid GMO foods at all costs. They cause cancer you know.”
She then took a long drag of her cigarette, butted it out carefully (saving the rest for later), and began eating her Big Mac.
My roommate swears a lot. She drops F bombs left right and centre. Don’t get me wrong, I swear too, but she swears A LOT. I’ve timed it a couple of times, just for fun. Because what is more fun than watching the clock as your roommate describes every moment of her apparently shitty day in detail. The most was 12 Fucks in 10 minutes. When she arrives home, I place imaginary bets on how long it will be until the fucks are flying. Often they start before the door closes behind her. The swearing isnt just for emphasis either, it is angry swearing…hate the world…every one is stupid…my life sucks swearing. I have anxiety and it is not a good combination. I want to live a life of peace. For real. Im nowhere near it yet but that is my goal…to be one of those zen hippie types who just breathes through things and always has a goofy smile. Okay, I know that will never happen, but I want not to be angry. I want to be happy and be in the moment and find acceptance. It is possible that that won’t happen while I live here. Fuck!
Is there anyone else out there who is 43, single, and unemployed? Not just single, but childless and single? Not just childless and single, but never married, childless and single and unable to keep a job. It feels pretty lonely.
The thing is, on the outside I seem like I could be successful in any of those areas. I am attractive, not super model but I have turned heads. I am smart. I love children. Yet here I am alone, jobless and past childbearing age.
I feel like I dont have any people. You know? I don’t have the married couple crowed or the mom crowed or the successful professional crowd. I have friends. I am blessed with great and wonderful friends, but I dont have that place I fit in.
I have my married with young kids friends and they are too busy for me. I have intellectual decided not to have kids friends but they are too smart for me. I have single female friends who run their own businesses and chose to be alone. I have divorced friends with kids. Divorced friends with kids. I also have gym friends who, frankly, I hope I never see outside of the gym…they come in all types…married, professional, meatheads, kids, no kids.
I have no one. None of my friends are like me. None are never married, unemployed and childless. Not one.
Are there any of me out there? Am I really alone?
When I thought I was “crazy” it was easier. Who would want crazy. But when I thought I was crazy I desperately clung to a man who was hurting me. I am not crazy. I am sensitive. I am emotional. I have had trauma that built on trauma and all that crap…
Why though, with all my potential, and I had potential…why am alone, childless and unemployed?
My last workplace said if anything ever came up I was interested in they would hire me for sure. Im friends with all my exes except tha last one because he is a douche bag and was a waste of two valuable years of my life. Like I said, I have amazing friends…but I feel like I dont fit in the world. I have not achieved any of the key success points.
Well…just wondering…are there any of me out there?
Its not the same if you have been married…are married and childless…horribly disfigured (no offense)….but are there any average people…looking, intelligence, families, friends…are there any of you who have failed as miserably as me??
PS anyone who reads my old posts, my last relationship almost killed me. He was a trigger for past trauma and mostly just an asshole
I don’t feel like writing about my “issues” today….So I am going to bitch a bit about the world…which was my original intent in starting to blog….to get out my frustrations and annoyances with the things I see daily….so I don’t keep them in or try to talk to the crazy people around me who practice “acceptance” at risk of having no opinions….NO OPINIONS….how sad……
looking through Oprah magazine this morning and saw this statement “This will change your life”….arrow pointing to a $500.00 leather bag. Granted it has many pockets and is multipurpose. It is also really pretty to look at….BUT life changing? WTF? I have wasted thousands of dollars on counselling and self help books and training and medication and all I need to so is buy a new purse? Someone should have told me sooner…..
Women get mad a t men for watching sports…..and stupid cartoons made for adults, yet they watch hours of Bethany, and Real Housewives, and The View, The Kardashians…..At least there is the spirit of competition in sports and you never know what will happen and you REALLY learn about drive and determination and working through the pain and never giving up….but these shows directed at women my age are sapping intelligence form a whole generation…don’t get me wrong I love Bethany…she is hysterical and actually quite driven….and has some good advice about hard work….but really between these shows and the magazines addressed at women, God help us!
Driving home from the gym today (I got up and went early because I have to work late tonight…good for me!!!) in fog as thick as soup many people didn’t have their lights on or just had their running lights on….ummmmmm…so, when you can’t see your hand in front of your face, do you think people can see you without lights? Think people pleaaasseeee think! The thing that gets to me is some of these people were driving $30,000 cars….if you don’t value your life or the life of others AT LEAST don’t destroy a vehicle worth what I ma e a year!
Okay….vent done….time for gratitude:
The boyfriend in high school who introduced me to working out, cookies, coffee (grateful for this daily), my opinions 😉 , white blouses, my old but running car, “Him”, warm smells, my ability to read and write, my red nail polish is still on!, not needing a $500.00 purse, bloggers who inspire me……..