i can’t write about it now, but I will need to soon. THE RELATIONSHIP. I didn’t self harm before THE RELATIONSHIP. I spent two years in a constant state of alarm. Constant. Yet I stayed and still grieve the end.
I have always had “borderline tendencies” but this relationship triggered something. And I miss him. But that is a lie too. I don’t miss him. I miss the idea of him…no, the companionship….no i miss being able to look at the world and say “hey look at me I’m not alone!!! I found someone!! He…yeah him, the big strong good looking one…yep, that guy, he is with me!!! See I’m not a loser. See, I can get what all of you have.” Of course in saying that I wouldn’t add the part where I say “i’ve cried at least 4 days a week for 2 years. I feel lonelier with him than without him. He refuses to meet my needs because he says I’m trying to control him. He keeps saying ‘it’s over at time for good’ whenever we fight even though that leads to me self harming and he knows he will come back the next day. And…and…and”
I am so afraid not to be good enough or like everyone else. I don’t want to stand out for my failures. I have a heard enough time hearing others talk about my successes.
I need a man to prove to others that yes stupid ugly old worstcasescenariogirl can get one and getting the “manly” made me feel like the little tiny princess I have always wanted to be. Which by the way goes against everything I stand for. I preach women are powerful, women are strong and I need no one when all I want is someone big and strong and manLy to come and save me. It kind of makes me sick.
My biggest fear is that no one will ever love me enough to stay with me and all the popular kids will laugh and kiick mud at me. I will only be okay once I can prove to them I can get a man and not just a man….a real man….
i am in my early 40s and I’m worried that I will be judged by the people I went to elementary school with because I drank milk but did not become what the commercials say….I don’t go from wall flower to entry queen or 98 lb weakling to Mr. Olympia. I’m still just me.
How will I ever learn to be okay with just being me. I’m average height, weight….I’m getting fine lines in my skin, my heair is turning grey…..I own nothing and am currently unemployed. I have no kids, no husband, no pets and I dot. Know what I want to be when I grow up.
And after all of that…the little still quiet voice in my head says….”write about the good stuff” I. Can’t ignore that voice, it so rarely speaks…..
have nice eyes. I am in good shape because a blessing about not having kids is the time to go to the gym. I have an undergraduate degree. I tried to live as an actor for 2 years and only booked once commercial..BUT I booked one!!!! I got my drivers licence at 26 and that is my biggest accomplishment to date. I taught ESL for many years….I sucked at grammar but boy did build great rapport with my students! I have a great sense of humor and I am quite witty ( that is so arrogant I think). I won a beauty pageant when I was 19 ( a local cultural heritage thing….but still I won), I live almost a year in another country where I didn’t speak the language, even though all of my relationships have ended badly every ex has become or has wanted to become my friend. I have had a billion jobs because I get bored and irritable and leave but I’ve tried so many more things than most people I know. I love public speaking. I love children.
Well the much louder voice just told he still small voice to stop now. I’m not a failure. The little voice knows that. But the world has expectations…..