I think I just decided to quit coffee. Im sitting here and my heart is beating and my anxiety is up….so not unusual for me….but think it is directly related to the coffee I am drinking and to be sure I do not need help with having high anxiety. So, from now on I will not make coffee at home. I will treat myself to one Starbucks decaf on Sunday mornings (im in love with the Caramel Flan Latte) and I will have to pass on the chance to win a car….I’ve been buying a large double double on the way to work every day and justifying it with the fact that there is a car waiting for me under the  rim…..

Of course by tomorrow when I am again struggling to get out of bed….I will likely turn on the the stove and silently stare into space until I hear the familiar gurggle of the espresso maker as my apartment fills with the smell of childhood mornings……

Sigh….but for today I stand firm….no more coffee after this cup :-P 

He isn’t doing well. So funny I feel the need to be there for him. I’m not doing well either. Guess I’ll take. Care of myself. Valentines day sucks. I’m drunk and not feeling half bad. Blessed to have girlfriends I love.

Lost it on someone on the train. His elbow was in my back he was jumping around and he and his friends were saying bugler things. Then his friends removed him. Then some dick head was mocking me because of it so I sayd hey asshole are talking about me? Cause that’s mean and rude and then he dropped an f bomb so called him ignorant and he said some other rather skid like things so I called him uneducated. When he went to get off train he called me a dyke and a slut and I called him dumb and uneducated and he dropped a couple mre f bombs. I said go to hell. He got close to me and gestured ejaculating on me. I again said he is uneducated oh and addded in a rude classiest way…said he is below me and his being there made me feel like I was in the gutter. Not nice I know. Then some other douche said…what, do u have a PhDs…i of course said yes…didn’t think credentials would be checked. He said in what rudeness. I said butt out you are an asshole two. He said some sexist thing and yes I finally really broke and told him to go fuck himself. Productive night.

i just wanted a quiet ride home without having to listen to bunch of stupid kids yelling sexual things and without a strangers arm over the back of my chair. Tired of dealing with the obnoxious evening crowd everyday after work.

came home and ate a whole cake.

I’m losing it. Anxiety panic. Sure he is dating someone new in less than two weeks. Sure of it. His car is never there when I stalk and he completely ignores my texts. I hope to god he is okay…safe alive. If he has someone new that is so cold and hurtful. I hate this more than anything and feel so powerless and out of control.

I move on Saturday. Without him. Not just the without I expected which was sad….but a sadder without….not the saddest without. No we are not moving I together. That is sad. He will not be helping me move. Sadder. He is stil alive so not the saddest. Though in my angry moments I wonder if his death would bring me joy. Sick? Right?

expectations crAshe yet again. Timing is everything.

Sometimes things just don’t work out. Logical. But what puzzles me is…something’s are shit from the begining and people set up so you think that are working to fix it and then when the time suits them best ….though it is not worse than before…..they fuck off. Trust no one. I’ve been working so hard to let that go. No it I ant be true I can trust. BULLSHIT. No trusting to be done here. People are selfish and evil. All people and I include me in that. Human being suck. Trust no one.

I did all the stuff I was supposed to. im done. I can’t . I don’t understand life. I really don’t. I don’t know how to do it right. The groups and books a counsellors taught me to communicate. When I do it that way I give so much of me and get nothing in return. Then I sit broken hearted with no explanation….no this time it’s for real. Just another fuck you that previously resulted in a sorry….but noSorry this time….just fuck you. If you keep changing the rules how can i play the game? If we need a rule change let’s discuss it…they make sure in hockey to tell players if rules change. You can’t put me in the box if i didn’t know I was breaking a rule. I’ve never understood this. I don’t know how to mind read.  

My rules are always so clear. Here are my needs. Yes you can get away iwhy no filling my needs but I will always remind you what they are. They are clear. I will never leave. The only relationship ener for me is if you cheat. I can work through everything else. I will give up on my needs to keep you happy. You will know this. My needs are simple and rarely change. Souls they change I would let you know. You have no chance if I don’t tell you. I always want you to succeed. 

How is this hard? How when I ask what do you need me to change so we can be happier, can you not answer? Your answer “I need us not to fight”. I say let’s figure out what that looks like. You say I don’t want to talk about it I just want it to change. Well, I don’t want to eat right or excercise but I’d like to lose weight………..

A 30 min conversation once a week could have saved hours of fighting and chaos. A plan. Hearing needs and options an finding a middle ground could have saved so much pain. We both know we have work to do…helping each other learn how….revising where we lacked success….hearing both sides openly….willingness to do our parts and then evaluate. The Reward? Happiness and truly unbreakable love.

it just seems so logical and so compassionate and peaceful to do it this way….but you refused….