I don’t write anymore because it was hurting more than helping. Tonight I had the urge but realize I have very little to say. Nothing really has changed. Life goes on and things stay the same. I feel ok today. Tomorrow who knows. It is what it is. I went to a play tonight and was bored. There was a time theatre was my life. It didn’t work for me tonight. The message didn’t get me on the emotional level I had hoped it would. It was about the prison system, mental health, social services. I wonder if the years I’ve been working in social services have made me a little numb to things. I wonder if finally accepting my own mental health issues have made me not as surprised or affected by those of others. Or if for me…a playwrights portrayal can’t show the reality….

it was nice to get out and do some thing different though. I think may have preferred going to a pub and watching UFC…..I never would have thought I would ever say I’d prefer watching dudes beat the crap out of each other to a night of theatre…..

 

coffee

I think I just decided to quit coffee. Im sitting here and my heart is beating and my anxiety is up….so not unusual for me….but think it is directly related to the coffee I am drinking and to be sure I do not need help with having high anxiety. So, from now on I will not make coffee at home. I will treat myself to one Starbucks decaf on Sunday mornings (im in love with the Caramel Flan Latte) and I will have to pass on the chance to win a car….I’ve been buying a large double double on the way to work every day and justifying it with the fact that there is a car waiting for me under the  rim…..

Of course by tomorrow when I am again struggling to get out of bed….I will likely turn on the the stove and silently stare into space until I hear the familiar gurggle of the espresso maker as my apartment fills with the smell of childhood mornings……

Sigh….but for today I stand firm….no more coffee after this cup :-P 

He isn’t doing well. So funny I feel the need to be there for him. I’m not doing well either. Guess I’ll take. Care of myself. Valentines day sucks. I’m drunk and not feeling half bad. Blessed to have girlfriends I love.

Lost it on someone on the train. His elbow was in my back he was jumping around and he and his friends were saying bugler things. Then his friends removed him. Then some dick head was mocking me because of it so I sayd hey asshole are talking about me? Cause that’s mean and rude and then he dropped an f bomb so called him ignorant and he said some other rather skid like things so I called him uneducated. When he went to get off train he called me a dyke and a slut and I called him dumb and uneducated and he dropped a couple mre f bombs. I said go to hell. He got close to me and gestured ejaculating on me. I again said he is uneducated oh and addded in a rude classiest way…said he is below me and his being there made me feel like I was in the gutter. Not nice I know. Then some other douche said…what, do u have a PhDs…i of course said yes…didn’t think credentials would be checked. He said in what rudeness. I said butt out you are an asshole two. He said some sexist thing and yes I finally really broke and told him to go fuck himself. Productive night.

i just wanted a quiet ride home without having to listen to bunch of stupid kids yelling sexual things and without a strangers arm over the back of my chair. Tired of dealing with the obnoxious evening crowd everyday after work.

came home and ate a whole cake.

I’m losing it. Anxiety panic. Sure he is dating someone new in less than two weeks. Sure of it. His car is never there when I stalk and he completely ignores my texts. I hope to god he is okay…safe alive. If he has someone new that is so cold and hurtful. I hate this more than anything and feel so powerless and out of control.

I move on Saturday. Without him. Not just the without I expected which was sad….but a sadder without….not the saddest without. No we are not moving I together. That is sad. He will not be helping me move. Sadder. He is stil alive so not the saddest. Though in my angry moments I wonder if his death would bring me joy. Sick? Right?

expectations crAshe yet again. Timing is everything.

Sometimes things just don’t work out. Logical. But what puzzles me is…something’s are shit from the begining and people set up so you think that are working to fix it and then when the time suits them best ….though it is not worse than before…..they fuck off. Trust no one. I’ve been working so hard to let that go. No it I ant be true I can trust. BULLSHIT. No trusting to be done here. People are selfish and evil. All people and I include me in that. Human being suck. Trust no one.